Today, my Jayde is 18.

Over the months I have written draft after draft of this last post in my head but as I sit here today, I have no idea what to say. My only child is 18. Everyone has an opinion as to what this day feels like – some people it sadness, some its panic. Others are excited or relived or maybe even happy. Personally, I believe I have experienced each and every one of those emotions in the last hour. Im just not quite sure which one will dominate the day.

Right now as I sit here, I am just looking forward to the day. I am spending the whole day with Jayde – shopping and eating and looking at cars. I want to be with her all day long, every minute I can. So when she looks back on her 18th birthday, she will remember spending it with me.

So here is my favorite part of blogging, when I write her a letter. This will be the last one I write for some time so I hope it carries her through for awhile.

Dear Jayde,

You have been the center of my universe for 18 wonderful years. Every decision I have made has revolved around you. On days where it was tough to get out of bed, you have always been my reason for doing so. When I was in dangerous situations, you were my reason for taking the safe path. Every job I took, every place I moved I always considered you first and how it would affect your life. Sometimes I may not have made the best choices but in the end, I did what I thought would be good for you.

I had a very happy childhood, full of vacations and laughter and family. I have tried very hard to make those things present in your life as well. Our childhood is the basis of our life, the part we remember always and it impact on who we become as an adult and the life we build for our own children, is huge.

Today, you are 18. I know its not some magical number than instantly transforms the inside and outside of you but I see it as a definitive jumping off point. Its a specific moment in your life where you are able to hit the ground running, in the direction that YOU want to. Do great things with this ability, make an impact on everything that surrounds you. Save animals. Make friends. Educate yourself. Be aware of environmental, social and political issues. Take care of your body. Keep out the negativity. Travel. Get enough sleep. Nurture your mind. Find a hobby that makes you smile. Make family important. Dont be afraid of change. Find time for yourself. Be careful with trust. Be open with love.

I love you Jayde, more than you can probably understand at this point in your life.

Here is to you, on this day you have waited for over the last year. I hope what comes next is all you expect it to be!

Love,

Mom

Its been a year already. It seems like I just started this project, funny how time really flies when you are tracking it so closely.

I dont really have a lot to say today except that my Jayde is almost 18 and I am super proud of the person she is and look forward to who she will become.

Watch out world, she is almost upon you!

What ever happened to a good old hollering at the ceiling to raise a kid from slumber?

We decided to go to the shooting range today in a nearby city and offered to drop Jayde off at rock climbing facility close by. She was elated! While she has only ever done rock climbing on a cruise ship or in a local kids facility, she really does love it and seems to be very good at it.

We dropped her off, paid for her gear and left. About an hour later I get a text “holy cow, this is so hard!”. Apparently rock climbing at a professional training facility is a lot more physically demanding than on a cruise ship!

When we picked her up a few hours later, she looked beat. Her cheeks were bright red and her smile huge. She said it was really hard but that she loved it! The instructor that worked with her sounded like Jayde did really well and hoped that she would continue training in the future.

After a brief dinner, we went home and Jayde slept for about 3 hours. I think it was quite a workout.

I hope its something she pursues in the future, as it would be a really fun and healthy sport for her to do. It could take her to some beautiful places and allow her to meet some great people. Everyone needs something in their life to call their own. It think this just might be it for her.

This neighborhood we have lived in for the last 6 years has always been a bit odd. People are friendly and involved sometimes and then other times, everyone acts like strangers. Part of that is based on weather but I think part of it is that we don’t have any community events or a place that draws us all together. This year however, some of the residents decided to throw a block party complete with tents, cornhole, fireworks and TONS of food.

After a few hours at the pool with Jayde and Courtney, they left and went to make cupcakes for the party. Later, we all headed over to the open field in the adjacent neighborhood and set up chairs, got drinks and hit the buffet table. Most everyone was friendly, there were little cliques of people who knew each other dotted throughout the field. Kids were running around, horseshoes clanged and the heat roasted us all.

I watched Jayde for most of the night and just observed. Its neat to do that when they dont think you are paying attention. Its so interesting to see how she handles herself in social situations. She has always gravitated to adults, which I think comes from being an only child. She played horseshoes with them, sat in their circle under the tent and socialized. Every now and then she came to visit us under the trees but for the most part, she fluttered around from place o place talking to people and snacking on food.

Growing up, our neighborhood was similar but different. There were mostly children her age and she played outside endlessly. Here, this neighborhood was empty and developing when we moved it so it was years before there was a solid base of kids in the neighborhood. By then, Jayde was in her teenage angst years and wanted nothing to do with playing outside. So tonight, it was nice to see her out – talking and making new friends, without me guiding her way and being a buffer between the unknown and the scary.

I watched a bit of the fireworks but Jayde stayed out until midnight. It felt good for me, knowing she was close to home but enjoying herself with friends. I know that comfort of close is going to rapidly change but at least for tonight, she was here.

Yes, my daughter is going to be 18 next week. Yes, she has a lot of things coming her way in the coming weeks. Yes, I have a lot of changes in my relationship with her in the coming months. But I cant change any of that, so why sit around obsessing about it? Ive seen those parents before. The ones who cant find their own identities because their lives have been solely wrapped up in raising their children – and there is nothing wrong with that, Im sure children from those families have very caring and devoted and supportive parents and they probably grow up to be fantastic people. But for me, I tried really hard to maintain some sort of identity for myself all these years. I maintained friendships and family ties. I had hobbies and took vacations that didnt revolve around Jayde (though some admittedly did). Somewhere inside me, behind all the report cards and sleepovers and homework dramas, I knew that one day Jayde would begin her own life and what was left over would be mine. I wanted to be sure that there was some shred of ME left in there somewhere.

So here I sit a week before this day she has been looking forward to for a year and Im not really sad. Im rather excited – for both of us. She has so many new challenges and experiences coming up on the road ahead of her and for a little while, I hope she lets me ride along with her.

Even if it is in the back seat.

We spent two days at the pool. It was incredibly hot and the pool was incredibly nice. So we vegged out. For two days. At the pool.

Bliss.

Up next week, we have a week of preparing for her birthday and all the events that come with it.

Going to be interesting!

One one side, you are sad that the trip is coming to a close. You will miss the food and the clean sheets and the lack of job responsibility. No more will someone come tidy your room daily or bring you drinks and fresh towels and greet you with smiles. On the other side, you miss your life – all its glory and chaos and messiness and stress – because its YOURS.

Today, I am tired. I am kind of ready to go home. Its not really the cruise that made me tired its just the effort it takes to get to and from your island paradise. I always dread the flight/ride/sail home because I reach the point where I am ready to be home and its such a daunting process to finally get there. Especially on a cruise ship – on the last day, you feel like refugees. The rooms are closed, the shops dark. the buffet is minimal and limited, the ship has specific areas to sit in. We wait in groups to be released, like prisoners really and go through a warehouse of a mess to search and rescue our luggage. Customs is usually an easy process but you still feel like you are an immigrant.

Jayde and I waited for the Thrifty shuttle, which was only about 15 minutes. We rode in a nice air conditioned bus and when to pick up our Ford Focus (thank goodness, no boat). We drove the 40 minutes back to MCO – in which I got lost in the airport, missed the gas station and cussed a TON through all of that. I think Jayde might have been laughing at me but I cant be sure. Anyway, our flight didnt leave until 3:30 and we got to the airport at 11:30 so we had a LONG time to wait. Thankfully MCO is awesome and had tons of places to shop and eat.

Our flight was on time, diverted through storms and arrived at our home airport 15 minutes or so later than planned.  Did I mention I was tired?

I went home and collapsed on the couch (after putting away all my clothing, of course). I was SO thankful that we decided to return on a Friday, even though Jayde very much wanted to stay to go to Harry Potter themepark. Gosh, to be honest, I did too!

Home. It smells of vanilla candles and doggies. Its where my Jayde lives and sleeps and wakes and cries and wreaks havoc. I wonder what home means when our children leave it, as they are so very much what defines it in the first place….

Jayde decided to sleep in today. I dont blame her really – the rooms are cool and dark and we are at sea all day so the schedule is flexible. I left the room about 10am and headed up to the very top deck for some sun bathing. This is a partial deck, overlooking the crazy busy pool area. I like being away from the crowds in a place where I can see the ocean for miles. I laid in the sun for a bit but ended up moving to a shaded are to read for awhile. The ship is stalled in the middle of the ocean with no land close by. The trip from Nassau to Port Canaveral doesnt take and entire day, so they stop half way and idle. Its neat being out in the middle of no where like that. Peaceful and beautiful. I had lots of opportunity to think.

I thought about Jayde and this trip. I thought about how grown up she has become. I thought about how far she has to go. I wonder about college and how she will do in a job and living alone. I think about a husband and kids for her someday. I wonder if she has had a good childhood, if she has been happy, if I have monumentally disappointed her. I think about my abilities as a mother and the million things I would change if I could. I cry a few times, quietly – under my hat and sunglasses – knowing this is the last vacation that I will take with her for quite some time. I wonder if she is sad about this too.

Around noon, Jayde comes strolling up with a book and sits in the shade with me. We order non-alcoholic frozen drinks which take the sting of the heat away for a moment or two. We chat and talk about the trip, about whats waiting for us at home, about life. She is still immature in so many ways but so smart in others. She will be fine in life, I know. I just worry about her, thats my job. I will always worry about her. After about an hour, she cant take anymore of the heat and decides to check out the art auction and the rock climbing wall. I tell her I will meet her in the shopping area later on.

A few hours later, I find her perusing around the atrium looking for bargains and agonizing over a ring she wants. She is paying for all her own purchases on this trip, so she is being careful with her money. This is good practice for the weeks to come.  We shop together, looking at sundresses and jewelry, gifts for oursleves and for others. We contemplate dinner in the dining room again but decide against it after our clothing trauma the night before. We check out the internet, walk the ship some more and have some Ben and Jerrys ice cream. Time creeps but it flys by – I dont know how else to describe it.

For dinner, we go up to the WIndjammer which is deserted. Everyone must be having a last night dinner in the formal dining room. All the better for us, as we score a table by the big windows and spend 2 hours eating, talking and watching the sunset. It was the best conversation we had the entire trip. I will always remember it – the fearful urgency about life, the frustration in her voice as we disagreed, the glow of the setting sun on her face. I wish I could have frozen time.

We went back to the room to pack, as our luggage had to be outside our room by midnight. We double and triple checked everything and then headed to bed to watch movies. Before I fell asleep, I gave her a very big hug and told her that this trip was a lot of fun for me and that I would always remember it. I said that I hoped she had a good time too and that someday maybe we could do it again. I thought I saw a fleeting moment of sadness but I cant be sure. Maybe it was my own sadness reflecting on her skin.

Tomorrow ends our cruise together and really, this part of our life. At least for now. We return back hom tomorrow night where Jayde will need to hit the ground running on many things in the coming weeks. I hope she is ready.

Because Im not.

Today we awoke very early, so we would be on time for our clear kayak excursion. We met the guide on the dock at 8:30 and proceeded to walk through the market over to the pier where the boat was. We boarded a large vessel, which sailed for 40 minutes to a remote part of the bay. The wind was terrible on the way there, the seas rough to sail in but the skies were partly cloudy and the temperature warm. D and I looked foward to the kayaking very much. After the 40 minute ride however, the tour guides informed us that the seas were too rough to kayak in and that we had the option of sitting on the boat or snorkeling. I was pretty upset for a few reasons. One, they could have told us they were going to cancel before we rode teh 40 minutes. Two, the price difference in snorkel and kayaking was substantial. Three, the water was so rough even the snorkeling made me sick. We were in a deep part of the water, so we couldnt even surface snorkel which is what I tend to enjoy. You can see better as the sum illuminates the water better closer to the surface. Needless to say it was pretty much a waste of time.

After the hour of snorkeling and the 40 minutes back, Jayde and I made our way back to the ship to shower and eat at the WIndjammer. No need to buy lunch in town when we had a free buffet at our disposal! About an hour later, we hit the streets of Nassau in search of deals and fun shops. Nassau was packed with tons of tourists and so many cars! The streets were jammed up. It was extremely hot with no breeze in town and I thought I might pass out – but we trudged along, shopping and browsing and picking up gifts for some people back home. Jayde had a great time, she is always up for a bargain. Just like my Mom. Its so cute!

After as much shopping as we could stand, we decided to retire to the ship for a bit of relaxation. We curled up in our beds and watched a little tv. We planned to have dinner ni the formal dining room, so we decided to shower again and figure out what to wear. To be clear, this is NOT a fun task with two women and not the proper clothes. When we packed for this trip, we were both determined to pack for comfort, fun and heat. This meant lots of bathing suits, flip flops and coverups. No  where in there, did we plan for the formal dining room. It took us over and hour to find suitable clothes to wear. What a nightmare!  But dinner was nice, excellent food and we met a couple at our table on their honeymoon. Our waitstaff was wonderful, as they always are and we had nice conversation with our table mates. They were from Cincinnati!

After dinner, we strolled the ship. We shopped, used the internet and people watched. No matter how long you are on a ship, you never tire of people watching!

We stayed up later tonight, as we knew we would be at sea for all of day 4 – which will consist of nothing but sun bathing or sleeping or eating or rock climbing or all of the above.

Note for the day: Jayde has fantastic table manners. Really. For a 17 year old, she is polite and engaging and absolutely chews with her mouth closed. Thats my kid!

So I wake Jayde up around 8 (entirely too early I am sure) and we get ready, pack out bags and head to the Windjammer for breakfast. We both choose bland and simple foods lie pastries and fruit, nothing too heavy or greasy for our day on the beach. After that we make our way down to deck 1, where we wait about 3o minutes in line for our tender to take us the 10 minutes into CocoCay.

I hate waiting in line, Im so impatient. But what I hate more is people who cut in line and go ahead of all of us who have been waiting for that 30 minutes. Luckily, people directed and guided others on where to go so the confrontations were at a minimum. After all, we were in such a hurry to make it over to spend our money or local clothing and frozen drinks.

The island was beautiful, I mean seriously beautiful. The sand was a glowing white color but the water, oh my the water. It was a gorgeous turquoise shade of heaven, clear and warm. The beach was lined with beach chairs, like probably a thousand of them. The buffet stations looked like little huts and there were coconut trees everywhere. Hammocks hung in some of the shaded areas and there was a nature trail.

The minute we get off the tender, Jayde wants to head straight to the shopping. I mean, I like to shop too but I am on an ISLAND in the BAHAMAS and I really would like to snorkel and lay out and enjoy the incredible beach around us. We walk the straw market for a bit but it was very hot and we were carrying so much stuff that we decide to set up camp somewhere and visit the market later. I never did go back but Jayde did and bought a few things.

We decided to snorkel, which I have done in St John and actually like it very much. Jayde didnt seem at all skeptical and honestly, I thought she would. She is afraid of sharks and even though we wont see any this close to shore, I still thought it might deter her from snorkeling. She was game for it though and we stood in line (again) for about 20 minutes to get our gear. After a brief instructional talk, we hit the water.

Wow, is the water warm. And clear. And ROUGH. This snorkeling was like adventure snorkeling, the wind and waves very strong – which required us to really swim to get out to the snorkeling area. We were tossed around in the water all day, it was pretty exhausting! It was beautiful though and we snorkeled twice throughout the day.

In between snorkeling we ate at the buffet, read and talked. We people watched, Jayde straw market shopped and I worked on my tan. I really wish we had walked the nature trail but can you say hot? The humidity and the heat is familiar but shocking. It really makes you lazy and want to not move more than necessary.

At the end of the day, Jayde was really craving a Coco Loco from the bar. They are alcoholic but I told her to go check and see if they had non-alcoholic ones and to get us two if they did. She came back grinning from ear to ear, all excited to be having a frozen drink on the beach, in the bahamas. Is she a lucky kid or what?

The remainder of the time on CocoCay, we lounged and snorkeled and talked. It was SO relaxing. Jayde wrote in her journal (apparently about me and how wired I was) and I read a magazine. This was truly a life meant for me.

We headed back to the tender around 3:30 and after a brief delay due to a medical emergency for another passenger, we made it back to the ship and collapsed in our room. It always seems to be the tradition on cruises to nap around 4pm, which is exactly what we did. Dinner for us isnt scheduled until 8:30pm, so we had plenty of time to get ready. Actually, we had no idea if we were going to go to the formal dining room anyway. We both have been on cruises enough to know that while the food is fantastic, the dressing up and the formality of it all is a bit daunting. Nonetheless, we decided to nap and shower and then figure out what we wanted to do for the rest of the night.

After naps and showers, we headed to the atrium for some shopping, internet usage and to check out the excursions for Nassau. Jayde liked the Sea Lion Encounter but it was all booked (only 10 spots for the whole cruise) so we decided to go on the clear kayaking trip. We booked that, played dominos in the library and window shopped in the shops. Jayde got a henna tattoo and I gambled $20. We walked the ship, took pictures and marveled at all the people dressed up for formal night. We didnt miss dressing up at all. Once the evening was over we went back to the room to watch some TV and to settle in.

To be completely honest, my mind forgot all about real life on this day. I forgot about bills and my friends and cleaning house and even my husband. I didnt worry about the weather or traffic reports or CNN. I really was focused on this trip, this day, these hours with Jayde and how much I was enjoying these moments with her.

To be able to do this with Jayde, I am very fortunate. Fortunate that she and I get along well enough. Fortunate enough that we have the money and the time to do it. Fortunate that I have my health and my sanity and the ability to make it all happen.