Day 4 is here. Sad face. Our girls vacation is coming to a close. Ive had a lot of fun with Jayde so far but am hoping that we do a lot of talking on this last day.
Jayde decided to sleep in today. I dont blame her really – the rooms are cool and dark and we are at sea all day so the schedule is flexible. I left the room about 10am and headed up to the very top deck for some sun bathing. This is a partial deck, overlooking the crazy busy pool area. I like being away from the crowds in a place where I can see the ocean for miles. I laid in the sun for a bit but ended up moving to a shaded are to read for awhile. The ship is stalled in the middle of the ocean with no land close by. The trip from Nassau to Port Canaveral doesnt take and entire day, so they stop half way and idle. Its neat being out in the middle of no where like that. Peaceful and beautiful. I had lots of opportunity to think.
I thought about Jayde and this trip. I thought about how grown up she has become. I thought about how far she has to go. I wonder about college and how she will do in a job and living alone. I think about a husband and kids for her someday. I wonder if she has had a good childhood, if she has been happy, if I have monumentally disappointed her. I think about my abilities as a mother and the million things I would change if I could. I cry a few times, quietly – under my hat and sunglasses – knowing this is the last vacation that I will take with her for quite some time. I wonder if she is sad about this too.
Around noon, Jayde comes strolling up with a book and sits in the shade with me. We order non-alcoholic frozen drinks which take the sting of the heat away for a moment or two. We chat and talk about the trip, about whats waiting for us at home, about life. She is still immature in so many ways but so smart in others. She will be fine in life, I know. I just worry about her, thats my job. I will always worry about her. After about an hour, she cant take anymore of the heat and decides to check out the art auction and the rock climbing wall. I tell her I will meet her in the shopping area later on.
A few hours later, I find her perusing around the atrium looking for bargains and agonizing over a ring she wants. She is paying for all her own purchases on this trip, so she is being careful with her money. This is good practice for the weeks to come. We shop together, looking at sundresses and jewelry, gifts for oursleves and for others. We contemplate dinner in the dining room again but decide against it after our clothing trauma the night before. We check out the internet, walk the ship some more and have some Ben and Jerrys ice cream. Time creeps but it flys by – I dont know how else to describe it.
For dinner, we go up to the WIndjammer which is deserted. Everyone must be having a last night dinner in the formal dining room. All the better for us, as we score a table by the big windows and spend 2 hours eating, talking and watching the sunset. It was the best conversation we had the entire trip. I will always remember it – the fearful urgency about life, the frustration in her voice as we disagreed, the glow of the setting sun on her face. I wish I could have frozen time.
We went back to the room to pack, as our luggage had to be outside our room by midnight. We double and triple checked everything and then headed to bed to watch movies. Before I fell asleep, I gave her a very big hug and told her that this trip was a lot of fun for me and that I would always remember it. I said that I hoped she had a good time too and that someday maybe we could do it again. I thought I saw a fleeting moment of sadness but I cant be sure. Maybe it was my own sadness reflecting on her skin.
Tomorrow ends our cruise together and really, this part of our life. At least for now. We return back hom tomorrow night where Jayde will need to hit the ground running on many things in the coming weeks. I hope she is ready.
Because Im not.
